Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
