He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize