I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
