Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize