shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
