its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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