I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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