I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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