I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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