When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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