If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
