i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
