Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
