yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
