my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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