this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize