I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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