alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
if only i could text you this smell
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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