Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
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