Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
