He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
third nipple confirmed
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
