I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
