Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
