I looked at my own cervix.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
