apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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