you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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