I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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