On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize