just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
