You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Randomize
