ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
