im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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