im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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