Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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