Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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