She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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