Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
