my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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