I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If I die, sorry about rent.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
