when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
