If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
