I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize