oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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