Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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