My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
