You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize