Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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