I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
