I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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