How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
