Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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