fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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