Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
