Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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