I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
