whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
