do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
