on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
