I hope mine doesn't look like that
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
