I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
