I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize