Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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