I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
