when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
