Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
